I Remember...

On several occasions during the course of this decade, I have written about the exact moment when I left my identity as soul behind and started creating and sculpting the persona which I, alone, made because that is who I thought that I needed to be in order to survive.

I was over three but less than four years of age. My sister, Mary, is 3 years younger than me so that would have made her somewhere between nine and twelve months old.

It was the middle of the night and I was feeling so much love for her that I had to go be with her and show her all that was in my heart.

Carefully I lifted her out of her crib and sat her on the floor beneath her crib.  I then got a stack of books, a flashlight, both of our teddy bears and a blanket.

Snuggling up beside her, I grabbed a book and with the flashlight in hand, I began to read to her.

Of course I did not know how to read.

But by looking at the pictures on each page, I told her the story. Book after book, I read to her. 

And I told her again and again and again, how much I loved her more than anything else in the entire world and that I was her big sister. I would be there to love, support and protect her all of her life, and I would especially be there to protect her from the monsters and to see to it that no harm ever came to her. 

My heart felt as if it might burst, I loved her so much!

Suddenly daddy came screaming into the room. He yelled, "Maybe you do not need any sleep but your sister does and so do the rest of us!"

He placed Mary back into her crib and dragged me by the arm back to bed. I share this not because I harbor ill will against my human father, but because that is the instant that I ceased consciously being the Christ child and began building the persona, or personal self, whom I would function as for a very long time.

Shortly after this, we found out that Mary was in kidney failure and for the next year and a half, Mary and my parents would live in Indianapolis where she would undergo countless surgeries and life or death procedures at Riley's Children's Hospital while I remained in Lafayette, which was home for our family, 75 miles away from them, staying a day or two at a time with perfect strangers while Mary's life hung in the balance.

I know my parents were beyond distraught, terrified, and felt helpless and in a never ending state of overwhelm.

And I, in my formative years, when I should have been imprinting on my parents and sister, was left in different homes with different strangers, each with different expectations and trying, as a small little person myself, to survive and figure it all out.

I remember one woman yelling at me to go play and because she was raising her voice and I felt afraid and did not know what she meant when she asked me to play, I stood there and urinated myself.

For which I got punished severely because I made a mess on her wooden floor.

I share all of this, not because I see myself in any way as a victim, nor do I feel sorry for myself in any way. But because that is when I started trying to size people up and see who they either needed or expected me to be so that I could then feel like they wanted me in their life.

This became where and how I found my value in this life.

And it was how I took control of my environment so I could create for myself the illusion of safety and protection.

I got so good at being a chameleon that I had no idea who I was until the memory of the experience with Mary came back to me in the first few months of the pandemic.

In my mind's eye, I saw the experience as it unfolded, but I also felt myself as the one who was under the crib reading to her little sister and sharing with her how much I loved and adored her.

I remember all my siblings and I pulling back the curtains of the living room window to see what mood Daddy was in when he arrived home so that we would know who we needed to be in order to not make waves or stir the pot.

So performing for others' benefit was a role I took to like a duck to water. It was my chosen means of survival.

And it wasn't until lockdown and sheltering at home that the memory with Mary returned.

That was when I decided that I had to find that child again, and when I found her, I needed to take whatever time it took to get to know her and love and treasure her the way she deserved to be treated and seen.

Because how can you ever live by a philosophy of "To Thine Own Self Be True," if you do not have a clue who you are?

You see, long have I realized that our humanity is something to be embraced, not disdained, but how can you honor your humanity if you do not have a clue who you are?

So I would have to say that each and every day of the past 6+ years has been a time of discovery, a time of honoring, a time of falling in love with myself and my life again, and a time of the most tender and gentle self care.

It has been a time of learning what it truly means to live from the inside out after a lifetime of living from the outside in.

It has been a time of taking my power back, part by part and piece by piece from all the people, places and things I had given it away to.

And what I can honestly say with all my heart and every fiber of my being is that I have learned to treasure the person I am, allowing her to take the helm of my life so that I can embody fully who I came here to be.

But it was not until I understood the relationship between the third and fifth chakras that the scales were finally and irrevocably removed from my eyes.

For the first time in my entire life, I understood that we have not truly taken all of our power (third chakra) back until we can give voice (fifth chakra), powerfully and soul-fully, to what is true for us.

In that very instant, I sat down and put pen to paper and wrote my own ten point manifesto for whatever remains of my life in this lifetime.

Hear then my warrior's heart and bear witness to what is true for me...

(1) I will never again participate in any relationship in which I am not seen, heard, valued and respected ever again.

(2) I will never again do anything for any reason other than how it makes me feel.

(3) I refuse to feel guilty, wrong, or feel that I am not good enough ever again. This also means no more gaslighting and second guessing myself.

(4) I will never again tolerate punishment for anything by anyone, including myself, which includes using silence as a weapon. 

(5) I am fully prepared to kick anyone to the curb, anyone who does not operate from the same basic principles and core values.

(6) I will offer everyone I encounter the same space and freedom to be themselves that I want for myself. However, I recognize that in affording them this freedom, it may require me to walk away from situations that are not loving and supportive of myself.

(7) I will live my life by allowing the following question to walk in the space before me, ever informing my every action:

Does this enhance my awareness of peace or is this activating me in some way?

Once I answer this question honestly for myself, I will then ask myself, how can I best support myself here?

(8) Everything I eat...

      Everything I drink...

      Everything I participate in...

      How I care for this body...

I will ask myself one basic question beforehand:

Is this in alignment with my identity as soul?

(9) It is an inalienable right for each of us to be treated with honor, respect and kindness. This is a fundamental truth I am willing to go to bat for, for the sake of anyone anywhere.

(10) I will wait upon my own heart in all matters before committing to anything. From this point onward, my heart must inform all of my actions.

What I want you to hear in this is that in every way conceivable, I have become that child again.

And I will fight for her in every way to the death if necessary. I love her, I support her, I am here to protect her, for she is the light of the world I came to consciously express in all my comings and goings.

I live as her, I breathe as her, and everything I think, say or do is an extension of her.

This is a very special week spiritually for so many people on this earth, made even more special by the fact that this is the year of the fire horse in the Chinese

calendar. 

April 2, 2026 will be the full moon in Libra and when you add all these auspicious events together, this is a most powerful time for you to write your own manifesto and make your declarations clear to the universe because the planetary energies will be in your favor; taking us all through a new door of opportunity.

I support you every step of the way...

pelkyong